Consumer Probe: Dangerous Holiday Toys

Whether you’re engaged in battle during the annual War on Christmas or trying to survive the interminable Covid-19 pandemic, these toys will add some excitement to the lives of you and your loved ones this holiday season.


Consumer Probe with Irwin Mainway from Mainway Toys

As a guest on the talk show, Consumer Probe, Irwin Mainway runs down his company’s list of life-threatening playthings (Mr. Skin Grafter, Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, General Tron’s Secret Police Confession Kit, Doggy Dentist, Johnny Switchblade, and Teddy Chainsaw Bear). Mainway’s argument that ”Bag O’Glass” teaches kids about light refraction falls on deaf ears, though it was probably a better seller than the other products in the ”Bag O”’ line, like ”Bag O’Nails,” ”Bag O’Bugs,” ”Bag O’Vipers,” and ”Bag O’Sulfuric Acid.”

—Kyle Anderson

Consumer Reporter: We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys. Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron’s Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggie Dentist.

Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk

Consumer Reporter: And what about this innocent rubber doll, which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? Press his head, and two sharp knives spring from his arms. Mr. Mainway, I’m afraid this is, by no means, a very safe toy.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, Miss, I wanna correct you, alright. The full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county, is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. I mean, nothing goes wrong.. little girls buy ’em, you know, they play games, they make up stories, nobody gets hurt. I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while, or Ken gets cut. You know, there’s no harm in that. I mean, as far as I can see, you know?

Bag O’ Glass

Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we’d like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway’s products. It retails for $1.98, and it’s called Bag O’ Glass. Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it’s you know, it’s glass, it’s broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It’s just broken glass, you know?

Consumer Reporter: I don’t understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look – you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We’re just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it’s a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: So, you don’t feel that this product is dangerous?

Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, “Kid! Be careful – broken glass!” I mean, we sell a lot of products in the “Bag O’” line.. like Bag O’ Glass, Bag O’ Nails, Bag O’ Bugs, Bag O’ Vipers, Bag O’ Sulfuric Acid. They’re decent toys, you know what I mean?

Teddy Chainsaw Bear

Consumer Reporter: Well, I guess we could say that all of your toys are really unsafe and should rightfully be banned from the market. I guess I would just like to know what happened to the good ol’ teddy bear.

Irwin Mainway: Hold on a minute, sister. I mean, we make a teddy bear. It’s right here. It’s got a nice little feature here, you see? We call it a Teddy Chainsaw Bear. I mean, a kid plays with saws, he can cut logs with it, you know what I mean.


Consumer Probe with Irwin Mainway (Halloween Costumes)

Consumer Reporter: My guest tonight is Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Novelties, and Chairman of the Board of Mainway Latex Corporation. Mr. Mainway, you are clearly the main flagrant offender in this area.

Johnny Space Commander

Consumer Reporter: For instance, your company manufactures and distributes this Halloween costume. Johnny Space Commander mask, which retails for $6.95. It’s nothing more than a plastic bag and a rubber band. This is very dangerous for young children!

Irwin Mainway: Okay, I’m gonna say something about my product right here, Johnny Space Commander mask. I want to say, first of all, it’s a very fluid item, in terms of sales. I don’t know, Miss Face, if you’re familiar with the movie “Star Wars”? Well, this movie has generated a tremendous amount of popularity and enthusiasm about space and science fiction. This Johnny Space Commander mask here is a pure fantasy toy. I mean, you know, kids can have a lot of fun with a toy like this, you know? Let me show you… “Hello, hello, this is Johnny Space Commander. I’m in deep space, I’m gonna land the rocket now!” You see what I mean? It’s a pure fantasy toy!

Invisible Pedestrian

Consumer Reporter: Alright, Mr. Mainway, if you don’t think that was unsafe, how about this Halloween costume, which you market under the label “Invisible Pedestrian”? It’s an all black suit, gloves and mask. Now, it seems to me, Mr. Mainway, a child wearing this costume at night to go trick-or-treating is in grave danger of being hit by a car!

Irwin Mainway: Car? What do you mean “car”, Miss Face? I mean, a car is a pretty big object, right? I mean, kids are smart today, you know? They know when a car is coming at ’em to jump out of the way. I mean, most of the kids I know go trick-or-treating at houses, right? You don’t see too many kids walking along the expressway knocking on windshields looking for treats. This is a “sidewalk” costume!

Consumer Reporter: A “sidewalk” costume?

Irwin Mainway: Yeah! I mean, you know, we don’t recommend this for blind kids. See, there’s a warning right on the label – “Invisible Pedestrian, Not For Blind Kids.”

Johnny Combat Action Costume

Consumer Reporter: Alright, Mr. Mainway. But surely even you can see the danger in this next costume, which you call Johnny Combat Action Costume. This is an actual working rifle!

Irwin Mainway: An M-1, yeah.

Consumer Reporter: I mean, this is a deadly weapon, and you’re selling it to children!

Irwin Mainway: The ammo’s not included. I mean, this is a very popular item, you know? Give the kid a little something extra! Field glasses, a little helmet there, the gun, you know, it makes ’em feel like a real general! I mean, this product is very popular in Texas and Detroit!

Johnny Human Torch

Consumer Reporter: What about this? Johnny Human Torch? It’s a bag of oily rags and a lighter!

Irwin Mainway: This happens to be a favorite of mine, because it’s a low-price Halloween costume. It’s really one of the more exciting ones. You take the rags, you just pin ’em on there like a hobo, you know? And then flame on, lights up the night! It’s a beautiful costume, I think.


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CPE

I'm routinely overestimated.

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